Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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