Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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