So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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