Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
