Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
