He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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