Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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