So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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