I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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