if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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