She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
