i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
