Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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