So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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