i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
