I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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