Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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