another moral hangover. fuck.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
