My first STD was from a foam party
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This house was built for laser tag.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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