She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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