Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
