Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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