Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We have started to decorate penises.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize