guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize