I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
