The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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