Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
