i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
