I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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