the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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