dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
