just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
