I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
