all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm at about main and main street
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize