Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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