I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
