Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
