I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
