I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
