6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
