the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
