she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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