wakey wakey hands off snakey
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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