woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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