Can Purell be used as lube?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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