I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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