R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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