I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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