So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
