is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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