My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
