she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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