Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
