You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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