And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
