Got a toothbrush?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize