shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
