whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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