It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
please come you make the beer taste better
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
