Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
