why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
