just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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