This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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