Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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