just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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