this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Are my feet made of real feet?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
