I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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