I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
