I'm so fucking centered right now
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
