I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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