They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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