I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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