so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
