How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
