If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
pray to the hookup gods
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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