How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
