How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
